'Pivotal moments. We all have them.
'Good and bad shit with the power to change everything that follows.
SIREN, TYRES SCREECH
'Mine? Mine was called Marvin.'
Stupid shits were messing around. I warned them.
What's your name, son?
Stuart.
You're stuck there pretty good.
I haven't cried.
You must be very brave.
It doesn't hurt. I can't feel it.
Do you know why that is?
Is it because I'm dead?
No. You're not dead, Stuart.
But if you don't feel pain, it can only mean one thing.
Shall I tell you what that is?
You have superpowers.
SUPERHERO FANFARE
To the rescue!
Will you cut that out!
I'm a superhero. I have to practise.
For the 400th time you're not a superhero.
Yeah, I am!
Marvin, the ambulance man, said I was.
Oh, Marvin!
He only said that to make you feel better. It's his job.
If I'm not a superhero, why didn't I feel the pain?
Because of a little thing called endorphins.
Your brain received a shock and defended itself
by sending out protein molecules to bind to your nervous system.
We're all capable of that.
Superhero.
(LAUGHS)
Superhero...
'Thanks for that, Dad!
'The moment you realise you aren't a fucking superhero after all?
'That you're internally wired the same as every other idiot in the universe? Yeah.
'I'd call that a pivotal moment.'
Do you think I'd look good with a mouey?
♪ LITTLE BARRIE: Surf Hell
What sort of party? A Maxine party. It's her birthday.
She asked me to fill up the numbers for her.
She doesn't normally bother, but now she has a boyfriend.
Any excuse to show off the Barbarian.
Rachid! A word.
Oh, no.
See you out there.
Yeah.
Is this about the graffiti in the staffroom?
No.
Your book's been signed.
Your supervisors have deemed you safe enough to be out there,
laying hands on the good folk of Yorkshire.
You're shitting me?
I'd start preparing for your technicians exam if I were you.
Fucking yes!
They'll let you know about your placement in a few days.
In the meantime, you are clear to ride as a two man crew.
I'd like a permanent place here.
That's not down to me.
Who is it down to?
Some other poor cow you can write about on the staffroom wall.
Wahey! Ah, look at you, all grown up.
Room for a three-way?
How did you know, you sneaky bastards?
I'm going to miss you losers. Might have a major problem here, guys.
I'm going to cry in front of all these lot.
It's basal tears. Exhaust fumes, dry air.
Your eyes need moisture, that's all.
So it's not the pussy variety then?
No, no, you're all good.
Excuse me, erm... I'm looking for Stuart?
That's me.
Oh, thought it might be.
I mean you look like...
I'm sorry. Erm, I'm Yvonne.
Yvonne Bayldon?
That's funny. That's my name. Apart from Yvonne.
I used to be Yvonne Cripps and then I got married. I married a man called Bayldon.
That's a smart move with a name like Cripps.
Dennis Bayldon.
I-I-I married Dennis Bayldon.
Shit.
Look, this is probably out of the blue, but...
I'm afraid I've got some very bad news for you.
That wasn't the bad news?
Well, your father died two weeks ago.
You all right, shorty?
Who's your lady friend?
Yeah, I'm fine... This is my, erm...
What? Fuck, sorry what are you?
Stepmother.
Yeah. We just... Met.
My dad died, apparently.
Definitely.
If you say so, I guess... it's a sure thing.
KNOCK ON DOOR
It's on the latch.
I'm so sorry, Stuart. I came as soon as I got the message.
Are you OK?
Think so.
How did he...?
Cancer.
Bowel. Two weeks ago, in hospital.
What? And no-one called you before?
Well, I guess he tried a few months back but...
well, you know how that went.
Stupid bastard knew he was close to the end.
How do you feel?
That's the funny thing, that. I dunno know how I feel yet.
Maybe you're in shock.
I see people in shock every day.
I've been staring at him for an hour and that's not a man in shock.
Were they close?
No. His dad left years ago.
I don't think they were even in touch.
Suppose that makes it better.
You think?
You're being cruised. Two o'clock.
Have been for the last 20 minutes.
And it's ten o'clock.
Going to... take a piece of him?
I dunno yet.
Wondering whether or not it's appropriate, considering the sort of day it's been.
I always make a rule of having sex after bad news.
And good news.
And bank holidays.
And... pay day.
Is there an occasion or public holiday that doesn't end in sex?
Pancake day.
It's the lemons, man. Give me chronic wind.
Oh, you're a sensitive lover.
I'm a fucking animal, mate.
Right.
See you, mate.
God, I can't believe he's alive!
You mean dead?
Yeah. No. I mean... hewasdead. 15 years ago. To me.
But now he suddenly feels alive again.
I think I'm lost...
All this time, he's been going to the cinema,
getting married, living in Leeds and paying bills online
and I never thought about him doing any of that sort of shit until now.
Not since she rocked up and made him suddenly feel real again.
When's the funeral?
Friday.
Tell me you're going.
I don't know if I can grieve unless he's dead.
Which he is, now, but also sort of isn't?
If I'm going to the funeral, I have to process this shit all over again.
Which means bringing him fully back to life...
and then killing him.
How exactly do you plan to do that?
Simple.
I just have to find out everything he's been up to since I last saw him.
Yeah?
Hello. I'm...
I told you to never answer the door...
Oh. Hello again.
Sorry. Is this a bad time?
No. No. Erm...
Stuart?
This is Stuart.
Well, fuck a duck.
It's come as a surprise to all of us.
I mean, he only mentioned you for the first time a month ago.
Right... He always was forgetful.
MOBILE BEEPS
Stuart, put that away!
Sorry.
Oh! Right. That could happen a lot.
Mario or Sonic?
Erm, both. At the Olympics.
In my day, it was one or the other.
Kids today... spoilt.
Cheers.
Did I tell you that the funeral's on Friday?
You did. Yeah.
St Margaret's. Two o'clock.
You will be there, won't you?
Planning to. I need to know...
what he's been doing. How he's been living.
He's been here. With us. Being a... dad and a... husband.
I mean, you look around, there's traces of him everywhere.
It looks very familiar.
Tell me that dog is not called Benjy!
It's a bitch.
Delilah.
We had one just like her. Got kicked by the postman.
Bled to death on the doorstep. I was still at school.
Erm. Look, Stuart, big Stuart, erm, I don't mean to be rude
but I need to go to town to arrange Friday.
I need to drop Stuart off at my sister's, so...
I'll sit with him, if you like.
I'm 12.
Please.
I've always wondered what it would be like to have a little brother.
All right, mate?
Oh, hi.
We must've fallen asleep.
I reckon.
Oh, shit.
I've got to get to work. My shift starts in half an hour.
Erm... It's kind of morning.
I don't have anywhere to be in a hurry.
Do you mind if I grab a shower after you?
Sure. Er... You just let yourself out, then?
Yeah, no problem.
North, South, East and West.
Means you've got a condiment beside each food group.
Why doesn't everyone else do that?
Because everyone else is stupid.
So... what was he like with you? As a dad?
Oh. So, we can talk about this already? Yeah, course we can.
Because we met... what, an hour ago?
We're blood.
What does that even mean? Why do people even say that?
Character traits aren't passed down through blood.
If they were, people with blood transfusions
would experience personality changes.
And science has proved that doesn't happen.
You sound just like him.
What sort of a dad was he to you, then?
I don't remember much. I was ten when he left.
I remember he sat me down, said goodbye
and explained stuff about how he couldn't stay.
Then he packed the car and left.
Never looked back, never gave a shit.
You've got something on your...
Are they tears?
You're genuinely upset, aren't you?
Of course I am. My dad's dead. Ourdad's dead.
Does that mean anything to you?
No. That's the problem.
Did you ever see Dad cry?
Never. He told me that some people are born without tear ducts.
He told me that, too. It's bullshit. You'd go blind.
Your cornea needs regular flushing.
Are you a doctor?
Sort of. Only without the qualifications and the rich parents.
Budge up.
What are you doing?
Working.
Hey, what you doing?
You should be in number four with fat Carl.
Time to fly the nest, little bird. Better get used to being without us.
What about the bit in Bambi when the mother gets shot?
You must cry at that.
I'm talking about emotional tears. The ones that come all the way up from your gut.
You never cry those?
In my job I see some horrible things.
Every now and then, it's genuinely grim.
So, you have to find a way of blocking that stuff out.
Do you think I'm carrying that over into my personal life?
Well. I think you've quite obviously put up some walls.
Abandonment? Rejection? Frequent exposure to trauma?
Tick, tick, tick.
Had any... intimacy issues?
At the last count? I had a few.
Feel like a sociopath?
Yes. But without the urge to strangle women with nylon tights.
If you're ever going to cry again, you need to break down those walls.
How? How can I do that?
Give me a break. I'm just a kid.
Eight and a half.
Nine.
HORN HONKS
Oh, you'd like that one, Stu.
All right?
Racist.
Oh, come on, man. How many shits does one man take in a day?
I always wanted a little brother. Did you ever...?
I never really thought about it.
You're not too much of a dick, so it's not the worst news.
Listen, do you want to do something tomorrow?
Like what?
We could hang out on our bikes.
Do you have a bike?
No. Got an ambulance, though. I'll pick you up at 9.00.
Stuart?
I'll try and help you. You know, with y... with your issues.
Thanks, bro.
That's what families are for.
(RADIO) 'Baby with febrile seizure. Emergency response.'
Here we go.
'Category A.'
Good shit was it?
Yeah.
Oh. Hiya.
You're still here. And I appear to have gained a slow cooker.
You had some diced beef on the sell-by date,
and I thought I'd put it to some use. It needs another hour.
If you want me to go I can come back and collect the pot later.
No, it's OK. You might as well stay.
Fuck it. Yeah. It's just dinner.
Stuart... it's nearly midnight.
Oh, shit. Is he...? Are you...?
Yeah. Was just about to.
Sorry, I have to break the habit. It's just, I had to tell someone.
I have had the most incredible day. I have a brother.
A real, live squidgy thing that I can play with and bully.
Well, that was unexpected.
For the first time in ages, I can connect with something, with someone.
There's another human being out there who gets me.
I'm really happy for you, Stuart.
Max? It's nearly time.
I think he can cure me.
Hey, birthday girl. Who's that?
Er, neighbour. Lost cat.
Right. Eight minutes to go. I think we should start sex three minutes before midnight,
so I can tell everybody at work that I had sex with a 27-year-old
and a 28-year-old, all at the same time.
What self-respecting girlfriend could refuse?
He's not just homeless then?
He doesn't smell homeless.
Kick him out. If you need back up, take Rachid.
I can handle it.
But you're not handling it.
What's the rush?
Last night we just watched telly, ate some food,
went to bed at different times. Didn't even fuck.
Oh, shit...
Yep. You're living together.
He's coming. Shift up, make room.
Sure Woodvine's all right with this?
She's fine about it.
You didn't tell her, did you?
Fuck no.
Hey.
Hey, mini Stuart. I'm Ashley.
You look like the bloke from Stranger Danger posters.
He's a charming little scamp, isn't he?
What are you packing today? Ah, it's the classic combo.
Yes, jam sandwiches and a side order of Monster Munch.
That's my l...!
Life lesson number one. Bigger boys will steal from you.
No-one steals from my little brother.
He's pissed himself.
Yep. Not a pretty sight, is it?
Funny, though. Look, it's running down the street.
So got a little cut on the head, have we?
Something fell on me.
The pavement, perhaps?
What you going to do with him?
Same as usual. Haul him into the back of the ambulance,
let A&E stitch him up, and send him out for the same thing next week.
Not really a solution, though, is it?
He's drunk in the gutter at 11am on a Thursday.
The solution phase has been and gone.
Sorry, but I thought your job was to help people.
He's right.
Since when?
All we do is paper over the cracks.
When do we show humanity and kindness?
Just for that, you can carry the pissy end.
No. This man needs help. Proper help.
Way to go, big bro.
Cheers, thanks very much. There you go.
Ah, cheers, mate.
Are you sure you're related?
Mm?
I used to be like that.
Cared about stuff, wanted to make a difference.
But then my dad left and I built the walls.
What walls?
The walls inside me that I built because my dad didn't give a shit.
The defence system I've put up that stops me caring.
Are you in therapy?
That kid there is all I've got left of my dad.
What's the melon for?
For people to eat.
What's the matter with melon?
I told some mates to come. I didn't know it was a melon party. They're just coming to drink.
Well, your mates can drink beer and my mates can...
Nibble.
Tell me you brought the wine boxes.
No, I was too embarrassed. Just doubled up on beer instead.
Nah, the rest is in the car.
How many of your mates are coming, exactly?
Couple. It's no big deal.
According to the internet, there's nine other Stuart Bayldons.
What if he was trying to create an army of clones?
Like the Cybermen.
Cybermen called Stuart?
Why else would he do that? Why would he want to try and recreate me?
Maybe cos he missed you?
Or he wanted to do it again but without the mistakes.
Which makes my entire life nothing but a dummy run for you.
A flask is a good birthday present, isn't it?
Who's it for?
My friend Maxine.
Play it safe. Go with perfume.
Do you know why Egyptians invented perfume?
To mask natural pheromones.
So even if a woman wasn't in the mood, you could go ahead and do it.
Now you sound like him.
Shit. I do, don't I?
Hey, Ash. How do I set this thing to series record?
What time'd your mum say she'd be back?
Just said "late".
OK. One rule. No alcohol, no sex.
Isn't that two?
Not when you're in your twenties.
Here. Give me your arm.
What's this, some kind of blood brothers thing?
Something like that.
Wahey! I'm down with the kids.
LOUD CHATTER
Have you seen the birthday girl?
Kitchen.
Anyway, I didn't...
Happy birthday.
Aww. Thank you.
This must be...
My little brother. Stuart, Maxine.
Very good to meet you.
Go ahead. Open it.
Perfume. Wow! I were expecting gloves.
Actually I had a little bit of...
He spent all afternoon choosing it for you.
Smell his wrist if you don't believe me.
It's like a whore house down there.
Babe, babe, have we got any more melons left?
Er... I can cut some more.
Oh, no. I need a whole one to hollow it out and make a bong!
Excuse me, I just need to, er...
Not in there, where is it, come on! Oh, top one!
Right. Bagsy me first!
(LADS) Wahey!
Her boyfriend?
Hm. Been going out a couple of weeks.
It won't last.
I bet he's using the candles. I told him not to, but I bet he does.
Buying new candles is such a pain in the arse.
Whoa. What are you talking about, candles? Who's burning your candles?
Him indoors. The permanent feature.
What? I've been gone one day and you already got yourself gay married?
DOORBELL RINGS
Fucking hell.
Oh, shit. I hope he's not the marrying kind.
Police, fire, or ambulance?
Shh.
You like her, don't you?
Maxine? Yeah, she's a mate.
It's more than that, though, isn't it?
You light that bit there.
She's with someone. She's happy.
She's with a man who's doing a very good impersonation of a bell end.
She can do better. No. That's not fair.
She can do different.
Different how?
She needs a thinker... browser... A soul mate.
I know I've only known you for a couple of days,
but you just described yourself.
I need some legal advice.
Shoot.
What do I do if I have a man in my house who won't leave?
A tenant?
One-night stand who can't take the hint.
You've got yourself a nester.
A what?
They come back with you one time,
act all calm and not weird, cook a meal, maybe move a towel hook.
Before you know it, you're living together and don't remember having that discussion.
Are they dangerous?
Not usually. They're just guys who like to be settled
and can sniff out a certain... vulnerability.
I'm not fucking vulnerable.
Oh, course you're not. I mean, he must have... misread the signals.
There he is.
My favourite teenage joy rider.
All grown up and bona fide.
Leave my boner out of it.
Is that how people see me?
Vulnerable, lonely?
Truth?
Yeah. No, actually.
Fuck, just say it.
I think people look at you and they think to themselves, "He needs someone".
Come on. You qualified. You should be celebrating.
Celebrating what? I got a shit-paid job and an easy-iron uniform.
And now they want to send me to the other side of Yorkshire.
At least when you commit a crime you get to choose where you do it.
You're going to miss them, aren't you?
You tell them that and I'll hire people to kill you.
You know I know people like that, right?
Mum texted me. She's home.
All right, bruv. I'll take you back. Here you go.
Aren't you going to say good night to her?
Nah. She's busy. I'll call her tomorrow.
What if tomorrow doesn't come?
If Dad's death has taught us anything, it's that time
is a precious commodity, not to be wasted.
Dad wasn't perfect.
No, but he had the balls to follow his heart.
That may have meant he abandoned you,
but it was his life to live,
and his mistake to make.
What's it going to be, Stuart?
Are you going to have the courage of a Bayldon male
or just stand by, watching another opportunity float past?
What if she rejects me?
What if she doesn't?
Good night.
Bye.
Do that again and I'll use the truncheon on you.
Hello. I'm Stuart.
Are you high?
I like hanging out and doing nothing.
I like films with subtitles cos I'm too lazy to listen.
The world is a stupid place.
It's overcrowded, but I don't want to change it, not any more.
I want to be part of it.
I want to do it all with you.
Why are you saying this?
It's what I feel.
And Icanfeel. Idofeel.
Stuart, I'm with Craig.
You don't want to be with Craig.
Says who?
Me.
It's taken me a long time to see it, but now I do.
I'm right for you.
Max, come on. It's karaoke time.
I have to go.
How did it go?
Yeah, yeah, it went really well.
She's not dumping the fireman, is she?
No.
I don't get it. That stuff always works in the films.
If you don't mind, I'm going to stop listening to you.
Night-night, loser.
I sorted out some of your dad's stuff.
It's just junk really, but...
Well, I thought it would help keep him in your memory.
Thanks.
Will we see you at the funeral tomorrow?
Why do you think he never told you about me?
I just... I think he wanted to start afresh.
But he went back and did it all the same. Even down to the dog.
We're creatures of habit.
You're right.
We are.
'We go to the same places, meet the same people
'and we feel what we feel.
'We can't change who we are.
'We get to a point where it's just too late.
'We're made and we're stuck with it.'
Bollocks.
(SNORES)
Hi.
This has been a fun little adventure...
but I'm going to have to call time on it.
I want you to leave.
Are you sure that's what you want?
I know from the outside my life looks pretty pathetic and empty, lonely,
but looks can be deceiving.
I'm actually the least fucked-up person I know.
Well, you must have some seriously fucked-up friends, then.
Oh, yeah.
Don't you have somewhere else to be? At a funeral?
I can't do it.
If I can't cry, I can't go.
How do you know until you get there, mate?
It's not in me.
I'm not trying to prove anything.
Some animals don't cry. In fact, hardly any of them do.
It's only stupid humans that shed emotional tears.
And elephants.
Fuck off do elephants cry!
When one of their herd dies, they travel,
hundreds of miles to go and look at the corpse.
They huddle round it and shed real tears.
And elephants can push over trees, so it's not like they're pussies.
They're also shit-scared of mice.
I think you're thinking of cartoon elephants.
'Four-year-old male, unresponsive.'
Why don't we leave this one to someone else?
Death's a way of life.
SIRENS WAIL
Did someone call 999?
Unresponsive four-year-old male.
Quickly!
Where is he?
He's right in front of you.
Ash...
Is he going to be all right?
No, he's fucking dead.
Do we have to perform the whole parrot sketch for you to realise that?
What's your name, sir?
Douglas.
What's the name of your feathery little friend here?
Christopher.
Douglas, can you do something important for me?
Can you fetch me a tissue so we can cover Christopher up,
give him some dignity?
Good idea.
What the fuck is up with you?
He's about a 120. You know the drill.
I know.
Sorry.
Odd start to the day. That David moved out.
Did he actually ever move in?
Well, for me, that was a long-term relationship.
He had habits and weird shit he did the same, day after day.
I don't need that.
Mate, can you do me a favour and distract Douglas for a while?
There's something I need to do.
I'm going to attempt some... keepy-uppies.
Maybe you want to say a few words?
I don't know what I'll do without him.
You'll miss the company?
And the eggs.
Eggs?
Every morning I come downstairs
and there's an egg on the floor of the cage.
Righty-o.
Mint?
How was that?
I've got a choice.
I can remember him before he went, or I can remember him after.
Can't do both, because they cancel each other out. He just becomes...
invisible.
So what's it going to be?
Can you make a phone call for me?
Ambulance, please.
St Margaret's crematorium.
There's a bloke in the back row choking on something.
I think it's a mint imperial.
Look, he's turning blue.
Please, send someonequickly!
(RADIO) Male. St Margaret's crematorium.
Anything doing?
Just missed a job at the crematorium.
Stuart and Ashley and picked it up.
Crematorium?
Yeah, some malechoking on a mint imperial.
(LAUGHS) Let's go!
I told you. It's already been taken.
I think they're gonna need back-up.
PHONE RINGS
Right, I don't know what that
shit were you pulled last night, but I didn't appreciate it.
I'm with Craig.
Now, he may not be perfect but he chose me
and that goes a long way into making me happy.
Can I stop you and mention you're on speaker?
Hi, Max.
Shit.
OK. I'm in a hurry and haven't time to explain.
Have you started work yet?
No, I'm just about to. Why?
Right. There's a suit, a shirt and a tie in my wardrobe.
I need it delivered to St Margaret's crematorium, ASAP.
I'll meet you there.
Back it up. No. Come on! Move it!
What the fuck! Come on! It's an ambulance back it up!
Forget it. There are higher forces at play here.
We'll get you there, mate!
Oh, yeah?
How? Fuck.
Ash! Over here!
It's Rachid.
Come on!
Come on. Let's go!
You're a dickhead!
Ain't there spare keys?
Quick, we ain't got time.
You gotta get out. Fat Carl, you gotta get out!
Get him out!
Come on, mate.
Nice one, Rachid.
Fucking mint imperials?
Guys, I fucking love you two.
SIREN BLARES
'Dearly beloved,
'We are gathered here today to reflect on the life of Dennis Bayldon...'
I should be delivering fucking pizzas, mate!
Are you sure you wanna do this?
I have to.
I'm ready to.
How do I look?
A fucking mess.
That'll do.
Can I help you?
Bayldon? I'm here for Dennis Bayldon.
I'm afraid they've been and gone.
You missed them by ten minutes.
Right. That makes sense.
Were you close to the late Mr Bayldon?
Yeah.
You know something? I think I was.
When did you get this?
This morning.
And you weren't going to tell us?
What is it?
His placement.
Come on. Where are they sending you?
Nowhere.
He got a place at West Riding.
No-one gets rid of the Rachid that easily.
You're referring to yourself in the third person now?
Seems appropriate.
That was quick.
I missed it. They burnt the fucker and left ten minutes ago.
I'm sorry, mate.
Yeah, condolences, and all that.
What do you want to do now?
I need to walk.
I don't know where the fuck I'm going.
Can you give me a bunk up?
Sure.
This is proper weird shit.
No. This is grief.
I was going to say exhibitionism, but, OK,
let's go with grief.
(STIFLED SOBS)
Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd, MemoryOnSmells